– Before I Faced Reality –
In my last post, I shared what took place when I found out I was pregnant. (*1)
To this day, thirty-one years later, this one conversation I had took place before getting home after that—literally—life-saving conversation at Crisis Pregnancy Center.
Before I drove home, I had to be by myself. The eight-minute drive home wasn’t enough. I needed more time by myself and knew just where to go before facing what was to be my new normal at home. Off to the nearby waterfront I grew up going to: the Cove. Just staring out over the water while sitting in my car was a must. I had done this many times before that day, but this time was far different. I was no longer by myself; I had a baby inside me now. But, I needed one more: God.
It sure wasn’t my first time praying to God, but my first time praying while pregnant. I sure new I needed me ever-so-needed Father, to hold me.
Having been saved, having become a Christina a year before this date, most of my prayers had been filled with thanks and seeking His guidance for my new look upon the world around me. But now, needless to say, my look on life ahead had changed. (Tears are forming right now as I’m sharing this, since I will never forget how I felt that day at the Cove. Yes, I felt great peace inside when I left the Crisis Pregnancy Center, but that didn’t mean I was happy-go-lucky from then on. At the Cove was where me, myself, and I began soaking in the reality that I was pregnant. Me, pregnant. Me, pondering what people would think, how I’d be feeling. Me, a mom? But the question “Why, God?” umbrellaed over all my thoughts. Much discomfort inside, and no, it wasn’t because of any morning sickness.
After forty-five minutes or so, after deeper-than-normal prayer, after wiping a few tears I hoped no one noticed, I saw a guy about my age walking over. The closer he got, I realized I knew him.
Oh, no. Not now. No. Of all the times for this to happen. Please don’t come here.
A guy I graduated with the year before was on his way over. He noticed me and couldn’t help but come over to my car. I rolled my window down. Why oh why does he have to come over here?
“Hi, Marianne!” He said grinning from ear to ear. “How are you? Haven’t seen you since graduation.”
What in the world was I to say? Thankfully, he didn’t even give me a chance to answer. He began gabbing about all he had been up to. I heard about his great job, his girlfriend, and a few other things that had me thinking he had it made. I made sure I threw in the “Really?, That’s cool,” and “Oh, wow!” but at the same time thinking, He has it made; I’m pathetic compared to all that; and When will this talk end? When he finished telling me about his world, he apologized for talking all about himself.
“So, Marianne, what’s up with you?” he asked.
What in the world do I say? Like I’m really gonna say, “Hi, I just found out I’m pregnant after spending a few stupid months in California where I lost my virginity and now I have to decide what to do.”
“Well, since school ended, I…” I began, delaying as much as possible in order to figure out what to say. But God helped big time, sparing me from this discomfort. Right then and there, the friend he was with walked up to interrupt, saying they had to go. Talk about major relief! I’ll never forget how happy I felt saying “Oh, you take off. I’ll tell you more another time when we run into each other. Bye.” In that instant, the word ‘bye’ became my most favorite word ever, and I could now drive home, feeling a bit more at peace.
Marianne Petersen is a former volunteer at a local pregnancy help organization and is actively involved in her local pro-life community. She is also a member of Northwest Christian Writers Association and author of a forthcoming memoir, God and My Pillow. You can follow Marianne on Twitter at @marimemoirs and read more at her blog, MariMemiors.com.